The plight of my little fishies.

It's hard working in this field for a large corporation instead of a non-profit institution.  The "higher ups" have no concern for the well being of our animals, and don't take our expertise into mind.. seems like they don't even recognize that we are good at what we are do and we have extensive training in it.  Of course THEY know better because they are high up in the company.

Today, one of them said something like, "I want you to keep stocking the tank, putting more and more fish in until they are knocking on the window saying 'I need more oxygen!'"  Wow. Just wow.  They don't know the millions of little factors that go into having an increased number of fish: water quality, livable habitat and hiding spots, spread of disease, etc.. let alone it's just inhumane for the poor fish.  But they just want it to look pretty.

Interesting though, that to others, the aquarium is only more beautiful if there is a ton of fish in it. It's as if that's how they really think the ocean is in nature: that every inch is packed with fish.  Not only is that just not true in the natural sense but also reflects the fact that people think the ocean has an endless supply of fish... which we know is definitely not true considering we fish species after species to near-extinction.

I'm in this field first and foremost for the well-being of the animals.  I'm not the biggest supporter of capturing these tropical fish and keeping them in captivity, but I know the field is not going anywhere and I'm happy to be here to try and give them the best life possible.  So at least I can take solace in that fact.

I really do enjoy my job and I'm glad I'm at the place I'm at... but sometimes it's just hard to remember we're dealing with a company whose major goal is profit... while we're sitting in our office just wanting to educate the public about the ocean and keep our fish happy.

/soap box

Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?

How many times can a heart break before it is unfixable? What does it take to make a person shut down and never want to try to fall in love again?

Luckily I'm a positive person, and while being rejected 4 times in one year hurts... a lot... I will make it through and just keep moving on.

I suppose I should take it as a blessing.  At least I am making progress with the guys I associate myself with.  I upgraded to someone who made me feel good about myself, and who I could tell was genuinely into me.  Now I just need to continue moving forward and find someone with good communication in the bad times as well, and someone with good conflict resolution skills, and someone who is able to compromise.

I keep coming across this issue of "change" in my relationships.  Me wanting to change them, and them wanting to change me.  What we have to recognize here is that there is a difference in changing the essence of who you are and changing an attitude.  Sure, I have self esteem problems.  Not to the point that I think poorly of myself, but just that I worry about what guys think of me, and doubt their feelings unnecessarily.  Yes, that is definitely a change I need to make, and I would appreciate a guy who can recognize that and help me through it.  But don't feel bad because you think you're changing the person that I am, that's not true.  If you have anger issues and I think you should change it, that is not changing who you are, that is changing an unhealthy attitude that hurts other people and prevents you from making any progress.

I have to thank Annie Crawley for her insight too.  I always notice when my ego is getting in the way and try and stop it, and I can recognize when someone is being defensive and rude to me.. so then I know it's not me, it's just their ego getting in the way.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I think if you ask any married couple, a good relationship that will last a long time requires:
1. Communication
2. Compromise, especially in the sense of pushing your ego aside and really listening to what the other person has to say
3. An open mind
4. Fun
5. Friendship
6. Emotional Stability
7. A strong connection- realizing each others faults and still loving each other for them.  Knowing each others differences and embracing them.

And I deserve someone who is able to do all of these!

And now, I just want to make a list I can look at when I'm feeling down.. I guess a little pep talk if you want to call it that.

Reasons I should not dwell over past relationships:
- I deserve someone who shows me they care, every minute of every day
- I deserve someone that thinks I am good enough to work through the rough spots with.
- I deserve someone who can't forget about me at the drop of a hat.  Someone who needs me and can't just ignore their feelings for me.
- I deserve someone who is able to communicate issues with me.  Keeping them locked up and not telling me when something I do bothers you is never going to work.  The problem will just continue and you will become more and more frustrated.
- I deserve someone with consistency of feelings towards me
- I deserve someone who can sit down and talk with me without becoming blinded by anger.
- I deserve someone who can actually sit down and think about how their words affect me, and understand why I get upset over them.
- I deserve someone who wants to make plans with me and only me.  Someone who wants to bond with me and improve our connection.
- I deserve someone who can have sympathy for me when I'm having a hard time.  Someone who can listen and offer insight.
- I deserve romance!

Things I learned:
- I need to work on thinking before I speak.
- I need to have confidence that the person I'm with is with me for a reason, and not question their motives.
- I need to not get worked up over small things right away.  I need to let them play out a bit before making a decision, but still bring up the issue as soon as I know it is definitely an issue.
- I need to complain less.
- I need to have more confidence in myself and know that I am a great girlfriend.  I need to not second guess myself or my feelings.
- I need to work on not completely throwing myself at the guy.  I need to have time to myself and time with my friends.  I know with Matt this was a huge problem, but with Paul I think maybe I just didnt have enough time to fit it all in.  Either way it is something I need to focus on.  I need to sometimes give him a chance to come to me.

Parts of myself I should have confidence and pride in:
- I am able to compromise.  I can listen to what you're saying, and examine it to see if its true and make a change in my life.
- I am positive
- I am laid back and mature about my relationships.  I have complete trust and don't let jealousy blind me.  I am able to sit down and talk about issues like an adult, thinking about both sides of the argument.
- I may be naive, but I think it helps me enjoy life.  I like seeing the best in people.
- I am willing to stick it out through the good times and the bad.  When I care about someone, I will put in the time to make things work.
- I give the person 200% of myself.  I am open and honest about everything.  I am a great listener and I am always there for them when they're having a hard time, listening and offering insight.
- I am independent and have a great career.  I follow my passion and I am a generally passionate person.

Half Life

Best bits of one of the many songs I've been identifying with recently.. but this one hits the nail on the head:

I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
The perfect heart's length away

The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down and warned me just how they fall
I knew the odds were I'd never win

Yet here I am

Well there may well be others but I still like to pretend
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with

Got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sigh

You know you'll never be lonely, no you'll always be loved
And maybe you never need more than that
But for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us?
Does it even register on your conscience?

Long for one last showdown from a box in a crowd
Air compressed tight to explode
I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out
As you disappear in a puff of smoke

How to make a beautiful life.

I just had to post this.. this was in a card that my mom gave me for my birthday.. and I really needed to hear it. You should too. It's really nice.

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you're going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
The kind of life you deserve.

Where does LA's trash go? Straight to the Ocean.

Yesterday at work I had to opportunity to go out on our little boat and go kelp collecting (Kelp is the food of many of our so-cal and northern animals... like abalone). This was my first look at the water that everyone had been telling me was of horrible water quality.

When I first applied to the aquarium, my friend Francis and I decided they had to be an open system because they sit right on the ocean. An open system at an Aquarium means they take their water straight out of the ocean, it cycles through the aquarium, then goes right back out. The Ty Warner Sea Center in Santa Barbara has this type of system.

Upon starting work, I quickly learned that this is not the case, because the LA River flows right into the ocean here. Since LA is possibly one of the most polluted areas in the country, this is bad news for our water systems. Annie Crawley from Dive Into Your Imagination always says "Everything we do on land affects the ocean." I think the people of LA really need to learn this lesson.

As I was out on that little boat for only a half hour, I saw so many disturbing things.

1. The water building up in the back of the harbor had all of this disgusting brown stuff floating around. Whether it was broken down debris, or waste from a boats ballast, I don't know but it can't be good for the water.

2. The water further out was quite murky. Granted productive waters like those in California are not going to be clear, but this was not the healthy kind of "murky."

3. Upon exiting the harbor, we saw a group of seagulls standing on a platform. One of them was eating a styrofoam cup. After shaking it around for a bit, it fell back in the water for another unsuspecting animal to find.

4. We saw countless pieces of trash floating around as we made our way out to the breakwater (the breakwater is a big underwater wall built to protect the fleet that used to be stationed here)

5. On the way back in, we saw another seabird swimming around with a fish line in its mouth.

This all was extremely shocking to me, considering we were only out for a short period of time. It made me realize even more just how incredible Annie's trip to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch was... to find so many tiny bits of plastic 1000 miles off the coast. We all need to learn about our watersheds and how we are affecting them with our garbage.

But what is a watershed? Princeton.edu says: "the entire geographical area drained by a river and its tributaries; an area characterized by all runoff being conveyed to the same outlet." Basically this means that a watershed is where water comes from when rain falls. We are polluting our watersheds through litter, agricultural runoff, and everything you dump into your gutter.

And all of this, no matter how far away fromt he ocean you are, eventually ends up in the ocean.

So why should we care?

1. While 70% of the planet is covered in water, only about 3% is freshwater. Our freshwater systems, like the LA River as so polluted that they completely destroy water in the ocean? That is shocking. Not only that, but we need this freshwater for ourselves- for our showers, to drink.... why are we so careless with such a small amount of fresh water?

2. Through the water cycle, the ocean provides us with water. We don't want that water to be polluted.

3. The ocean provides 50-90% of our oxygen. We need to protect something this important.

4. The ocean provides us with food, and that supply is quickly dwindling as it is through overfishing. Why kill more fish with pollution?

5. Chemicals that are made into plastic, and chemicals that are attracted to plastic in the water may build up in the tissues of animals we eat. We are polluting ourselves. We Californians are completely filled with the chemicals, PBDEs from all of the flame retardants that are required on pretty much everything we own. The level in Californians is ridiculously higher than in every other state.

6. The ocean is a source of recreation, and is beautiful and breath-taking.

So I encourage you to learn about your watershed... and those of us in LA need to change our behaviors, because the pollution in the LA River has so many negative effects.

Finally, I want to share one of my favorite videos from Annie's trip to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch:

Chelsea Rochman Discusses her Conclusions about Plastic in the Gyre

Just keep swimming...

So after 3 months of no luck finding a paying job, I was looking on the AZA website per my usual routine and saw an ad for internships at the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. I figured, hey, it's close, and it will give me the specific experience that's holding me back from all the paid jobs I couldn't get. I was only offered an interview for one of the many jobs I applied for, and that was for a part time food prep job at a zoo in Boston. Except they wanted me to fly out there within the next few days on my money and interview for them. What? They straight up told me it wouldn't be worth it for me.. so so much for that.

So applied for the internships at the Aquarium of the Pacific. You could apply for all of them at once which was nice, and then just list the ones you wanted in order of most to least. I think the order I chose was Aquarist > Education > Program Animals > Marine Mammals > Aviculture... or something like that. Well after a phone interview (yes, I live 2 hours from the aquarium and they did a phone interview, yet Boston wouldn't do one) and an in person interview, I had the Aquarist Internship.

So to Long Beach I moved after perusing Craigslist for a place to live. I started on January 11, and I have been enjoying myself ever since.

Now, an Aquarist job isn't as glamorous as it sounds. One of the 3 aquarists I work under called it a "glorified janitor job" and it's totally true, but it's totally fun! Yeah there's a lot of hard work changing filter bags, cleaning protein skimmers, and keeping the exhibits looking spotless... but for some reason it's still fun. Probably because I regularly get to feed awesome animals like sting rays and zebra sharks. Oh yeah, I'm in the Tropical section.

There are 5 different sections the aquarists could work in. Southern California, Northern, Jellies, Shark Lagoon, and Tropical. All of the galleries represent a zone in the Pacific ocean (thus, Aquarium of the Pacific).